Sunday, January 31, 2016

Man Escapes Office Run by Zombies

NEW YORK, Jan. 31 -- A young man was rescued from a local business in Midtown yesterday that was run by brain-eating zombies.

"At first I didn't realize I was among the undead. There was not a lot of chit chat in the office and coworkers seemed to stare blankly at their screens all day. It was similar to my last job," he said.

The young man would see coworkers assemble and leave the office together around lunchtime, but only a few would return. These coworkers along with his managers often walked by him as if he was invisible.  
Image credit: Daniel Hollister | Flickr

"I said hello to one woman each day who was always standing by the coffee machine, although no coffee ever seemed to come out of it," he said. 

He reports the work was mindless and that his biggest challenge was remembering his Windows login. 

"When I'd struggle to remember my password, a crowd of coworkers would gather near my cubicle and grunt at one another, but once I logged in, they'd vanish," he said. 

It was when the young man had trouble with his login and called tech support that a coworker lunged at him from a nearby cubicle. 

"She was trying to bite me," he said

When he ran to human resources to report the incident, other coworkers poured out of meeting rooms and offices giving chase. When he got there, the administrators leaped across their desks firing employee manuals toward his head. He was able to duck down and exit through a nearby fire escape out to the street. 

"I thought the incident was strange, but I still wasn't sure if I had to report back the next day," he said.

After describing the scene to a friend, the young man alerted the authorities who discovered the office was a zombie lair. 

The NYPD held a press conference saying that zombies were hiring young, unsuspecting professionals to feed on their brains and incorporate them into their occult.

"Once the supply of new brains ran low, all hell broke loose," said Sergeant O'Leary.  He cautioned citizens that other zombie dens were likely in operation, luring new hires to join their "growing company."


Thursday, December 31, 2015

Dylan Penn and Ireland Baldwin No Longer a Secret

It's been two years since I predicted The Ascendancy of Dylan Penn and Ireland Baldwin, so it's time to take inventory. To date, the celebrity scorecard still has the Jenners and Kardashians leading the popularity contest, but the margin is dwindling. Last month, Dylan Penn and Ireland Baldwin crashed the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in New York with Ireland apparently leaving her lingerie behind in the dressing room. This spawn of Hollywood royalty is serious in its pursuit of modeling and acting and draws hordes of paparazzi by birthright. While the emergence of Ireland's cousin, Hailey Baldwin, and the increasing popularity of Gigi and Bella Hadid prove formidable, the glowing embers of  this dynamic duo are beginning to fan into flames and ascend the nation's tabloid rankings. Take a look:

Dylan Penn and Ireland Baldwin at Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2015.

Dylan Penn and Ireland Baldwin at Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2015.

Dylan Penn and Ireland Baldwin at Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2015.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Too Much, Not Enough

The choices that confront us today are confounding: products, recipes, TV shows, cocktail parties, radio stations, sporting events and so on ... The weight of deciding is bone crushing, sending us to those safe harbors we construct such as snack cabinets and wine cellars. Too much of anything is dangerous and not enough of it is maddening.

In the past week, I raked the leaves on the yard, fixed the gaping hole in the side of the house, roasted a 22-pound turkey, replaced the hard drive on my computer and had a heartfelt debate about elementary education. If asked how I accomplished any of it, I would shrug my shoulders and say "YouTube,"

The inundation of how-to's and DIYs are possible now that we can download information quickly from the cloud and not worry about storing it past the point of immediate need. My brain can only handle so much: address, social security number, kids' names, outcome of the Florida State vs. Florida game (Noles won!) before the distraction of what's for lunch pushes it all aside.

The horrible events in our country and around the planet are brought to us immediately and replayed countless times by news organizations for shock value. Helpless, we look to politicians to correct these ails and protect us while they lobby for our trust. It's a game of Whack-A-Mole. Push one problem down, another immediately takes its place, it's too much.

As I write, the view from my window is lit with color and stillness. It's quiet and peaceful outside. just not enough.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

The Words

It used to be the words
dripped off my pen like honey,
now it seems they're only
in it for the money
They come and go
as they please,
proving to be no more
than a tease
At times they'll
disturb my sleep,
coming on in torrents that
appear too deep
Moved by the fear that
I may drown,
I reach for a pen to
write them down
Then I get the feeling that
they're only using me,
waking me from my sleep
to set them free.

                                Jan. 15, 1998


Wednesday, September 30, 2015

"Harlem"

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore -
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over -
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode? 

- Langston Hughes, 1951


Langston Hughes in Harlem, June, 1958.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Nobody Knows Anybody. Not That Well.

Hard to believe 25 years have passed since Miller's Crossing was released. While I often think of the film, there is one line in particular that rings true, "Nobody knows anybody. Not that well." It's a line from the gangster Tom Reagan who's played by Gabriel Byrne.

I once took the Amtrak from Penn Station, NY to Union Station, DC with Gabriel Byrne. We disembarked at the same time and I stood behind him in line for the taxi cabs across from our Nation's Capitol. I recall his silver metallic wheeled bag hit my foot while we were waiting and for reasons I can't fathom, I asked him if I could take his picture. He politely said no and I waited an eternity for the line to move and him to get in his cab.

That line, written by the Coen Brothers, echoed in my mind the rest of the evening. "Why the heck did I ask Gabriel Byrne for a picture? I know better. I'm a New Yorker."

Truth is, I don't why I did it. I don't think any of us know why we do what we do. It's all a crap shoot when we leave our homes each day. I never know what I'm going to have for lunch. How does anybody figure any of it out?

It's astonishing when people think they do know you. They say things they believe to be true and most of the time it flies way off the mark. We just ignore them, change the subject. How bout the weather? Maybe we can agree on that. 

"Nobody knows anybody. Not that well." For some strange reason we think we do know people, just not what we ourselves are going to wear tomorrow.   

Gabriel Byrne in Miller's Crossing

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Top Five Famous People From Greenwich, CT

Number 5 - Kelly Rohrbach - Sports Illustrated Swimsuit 2015 Rookie of the Year, dating Leonardo DiCaprio.

Kelly Rohrbach

Number 4 - Dorothy Hamill - Olympic Gold Medal in 1976, popular haircut before Jennifer Aniston.

Dorothy Hamill

Number 3 - Glenn Close - Golden Globe and Emmy award winning actress, often mentioned in the same breath as Meryl Streep.

Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction (1987).
Number 2 - Steve Young - Hall of Fame Quarterback, Super Bowl XXIX and NFL MVP, ESPN analyst.
Steve Young

 Number 1 - George H. W. Bush - The 41st President of the United States of America (1989 - 1993).

George H. W. Bush